Beautiful Torment Read online

  “I noticed you first,” he disregards the people around us, but I can’t help staring at them. No one has a coat, as they are obviously still in their lockers. Granted, most in other classes are wearing long sleeves or sweaters, except for those who are also in my gym period, but still. No other teacher is offering his or her jacket to anyone!

  “Luci,” he chuckles at my weariness, and the sound of my name sends even more goose bumps down my arm. “It’s just a jacket. It’s really not a big deal.”

  I take it from him and slide my hands through the sleeves; it’s warm and comforting. It even smells like him, and I try to be conspicuous as I inhale his mouthwatering scent. It’s like being enveloped in him, and really, what could be better?

  “So how’s the book coming along?” He sticks his hands in his pockets, his blue button down further illuminating his eyes. His nose is turning red, and I feel bad that he’s now probably chilly.

  “Napoleon’s army just occupied Moscow.”

  “Ah, so you’re nearing the end,” he smiles.

  “I don’t think it’ll ever end,” I roll my eyes and he laughs loudly. How can he be so kind and gentle now, yet most of the time regard me with such distaste, just by a simple look?

  “Have you read it?” I ask, wrapping my arms around myself, feeling the smooth cloth of his blazer.

  “A long time ago,” he confesses. “It’s not the best Tolstoy book, though.”

  “Yeah,” I agree, staring at him intently. He’s like this huge, stunning mystery.

  “What?” He asks, folding his arms.

  “Nothing,” I shake my head. “Are you cold now?”

  “Of course not,” he smiles, but I know it’s a lie. “What about you? Are you still cold?”

  “No,” I’m still shaking my head; a million ways for us to warm up are running through it. I’d do any one of them. Or all. I’d do them all with him.

  “Guess I’m stuck with you until the drill ends then,” he clears his throat as he looks around us, nodding to a teacher in the distance. “You know, because I have to make sure I get that jacket back.” His faces me again, his expression now annoyed, back to the glare I’m most used to. I flinch, and just when we were making progress too!

  “I’m not gonna run off with it,” I scowl back. “Besides, you know where I’ll be eighth period.” He nods, and I’m kicking myself. So stupid! I have to think quickly, so that we keep on talking, so that he doesn’t walk away…. think!

  “So what’s that new movie everyone is talking about? The one that came out the other week?” God, what a stupid thing to say!

  “Joy Ride?” He asks, no doubt curious over my random question, his face still full of disdain.

  “Yeah!” I exclaim. “I haven’t seen it yet,” I admit, wondering where the hell I’m going with this. “Have you?”

  “No,” his expression lightens. “But, then again, I’m only into good movies.”

  “It’s supposed to be good,” I counter, relaxing, because as each moment passes his face loosens more and more. “Besides,” I sigh. “What constitutes as a good movie?”

  “Star Wars.” He’s so matter of fact and cocky. I want to hate him, but I laugh instead.

  “How did I know you were going to say that?” I place my hands on my hips; his long sleeves are too large for me and hang over.

  “What’s wrong with Star Wars?” He smiles, causing me to do the same.

  “Nothing,” I shrug. “But I prefer Harrison Ford in the form of Indiana Jones.”

  “Of course you do,” he laughs, and I don’t know where to look first - his mouth and the way it stretches and moves, or his eyes and the way they ignite. “And how did you know I’d be into Star Wars?” His smooth voice is laced with amusement, and I can’t help myself.

  “Well, you’re clearly the sciencey type,” I wave my hands towards him, and he laughs again. It’s like music to my ears.

  “Right, and what constitutes the sciencey type?” His grin is wide and his hips are swaying slightly. If I didn’t know better, I’d think we are almost flirting.

  “You, being all into potions and chemicals, and weird sciencey stuff, like probably old body parts and-”

  “And producing a mysterious spark,” he interrupts, continuing my sentence, his voice raspy and charmed. I smile and we both erupt with laughter. He clearly got my joke.

  “I don’t create Frankenstein, contrary to popular belief,” he raises his eyebrow, and I take note on how it’s the first time he does this without some menacing context. “Sorry to disappoint.”

  “Damn,” I bit my lip, trying to contain my wide grin. “So what was the last movie you saw then?”

  “Probably Planet Of The Apes, and okay, what’s with that face?” The way he’s still smiling does crazy things to me.

  “Tim Burton?” I cringe.

  “What’s wrong with him?”

  “All of his movies look exactly the same!”

  “He has a distinct look,” he argues. “Kind of like the one you’re giving me right now.”

  I can’t help but laugh again, feeling like the idiot girl who’s standing in front of the guy she obviously has a crush on, who’s way out of her league.

  “Well, I refuse to see it,” I sigh, trying to grasp my emotions. “I’m sure he’s done nothing but ruin a great novel and good movie from the 60’s.”

  “Easy there,” he throws his hands up. “I didn’t say the movie was good. I just said it was the last one I saw.”

  “Fair enough,” I roll my eyes.

  “So what about you?”

  “Princess Diaries,” I smile, and now it’s his turn to make a face. “I’m a sucker for Meg Cabot books,” I shrug.

  “Never heard of her.”

  “It’s sort of a chick thing.”

  “So you’re into chick books and historical narratives?”

  “I’m kind of into all books,” I clarify. “I’ll read anything.”

  He starts to say something, but closes his mouth once everyone begins walking towards the school.

  I’m disappointed and crushed.

  This was going so well!

  He’s sort of really fun to talk to.

  He motions me forward once he notices everyone moving. “After you,” his head bows and his hands point in the direction of the school.

  “Thanks for the jacket,” I slide it off as I start walking, handing it back to him. “See you later.”

  He nods, taking it from me, and I give him one last smile before making my way inside. Can’t we please have another fire drill?

  The one good thing about gym, (and I can’t even believe there IS a good thing), is that no one can tell when you’re late. Since we first have to change our clothes, the locker room is never actually locked, so as long as you’re ready and in the gym in a timely manner, it doesn’t matter if you’re a minute or two behind.

  These past few days, after math, I’ve been taking the long, totally opposite, out of the way, way to the gym, just so I can pass by Mr. Harrington’s classroom. It isn’t far from the gym; it’s just not in the direction I need to go. It’s such a stupid thing I started to do, but ever since the fire drill, I realized I could see him earlier in the day. I don’t have to wait until the afternoon.

  He hasn’t noticed me, thankfully, but I like to glance as I walk down his hallway, watching him sit at his desk between his first period lab and second period chemistry class, just knowing that he’s here, and that I’ll see him later. It’s oddly soothing, not to mention definitely borderline psychotic.

  Today he’s outside his door talking to another student between first and second period. It’s some girl I don’t know, and it’s so obvious that she has a crush on him. I wonder if I look as ridiculous as she does when we talk.

  Now I feel stupid.

  I watch their conversation for a minute, cringing inside.

  I have to change.

  I really shouldn’t be going this way to the gym. It shouldn’t matter
if he’s here or not. I shouldn’t feel my entire day brighten when I see him.

  This is insane!

  This is wrong.

  I’m about to turn around and backtrack when he suddenly looks up, spotting me. His expression doesn’t change, but his eyes meet mine and we’re stuck in this reverie, my deep browns against his ocean blues. It’s easily the most personal moment we’ve shared.

  The girl becomes aware he’s no longer paying attention to what she’s saying and her hand touches his elbow. I wonder if I could ever muster up the courage to do something so bold. To feel how hard he feels through his shirt. Hell, I just wonder if I can stop gawking at him all the time, or not live for the moments when we have too brief a conversation.

  I need to try harder to focus on something else.

  Something normal.

  The bell rings just as I’m passing his classroom, the hallway now emptying rapidly. I feel him still watching me, the heat of his glare on my back. I glance slowly over my right shoulder to see if I’m right, if my body truly is that in tune to his.

  It is.

  He’s halfway in his classroom as our eyes meet again, but this time, I see something in him alter, like a mask melting off in front of me, for his face instantly transforms into the slightest of grins.

  I practically skip to the gym.

  LAB ASSISTANT

  I stayed late after math class today and didn’t have time to take the long way to pass by Mr. Harrington’s classroom. However, in English, the pathetic person I am asks Ms. Harrington if her brother is here today. I don’t know why I admit to the things I do, because it only proves what a sad, pitiful person I am, but I just had to know, to make sure. To feed this stupid sick pattern I’ve gotten myself into.

  “He is,” she smiles. “Do you need to see him?”

  It’s like an opportunity in disguise. I’m easily the best in her class, and here she is outright giving me a chance to go see him. Right here, right now. I know he’s in class, and despite simply wanting to pass by, I can’t possibly stoop that low. Besides, his door is usually closed while he’s teaching. Shit, but if I could just think of an excuse to knock so I can see his face. What I’d give for an extra opportunity to look him in the eye.

  Nevertheless, I shake my head no and go back to my seat.

  By lunchtime, I’m practically bouncing off my chair because today’s a lab day, which means double time with my favorite teacher.

  “Why are you so peppy?” Chloe asks. “We have lab and chemistry. This suck.” She places her head on the table, and it’s hard to hear her with all the lunchroom noise.

  “I know!” I beam.

  “God you are so weird,” she shakes her head. “At least I get to gawk at Kyle. Do you ever notice how he looks my way?”

  “Yeah,” I agree, even though I’ve never paid attention to it. I’m a terrible friend, but we each have our own gawking to do.

  When we get to lab, I’m sure the excitement can be seen on my face. Maybe that’s why Mr. Harrington calls on me to assist him with his demonstration. Or maybe it’s because I am the only one who is point blank looking his way when he asks for a volunteer. I’m too much in my own world to register what he is actually asking for, but I’m sure everyone else was looking every which way but his.

  “I don’t think you want me over there with you,” I shake my head. I’m definitely not one to go up in front of the class. I’m far too nervous, my hands will probably shake, and I’ll mess it up and look stupid.

  “Please, Luci,” his smooth voice pleads.

  I’m butter.

  I put my notebook down and walk over to the lab table while everyone crowds around us. He puts on safety glasses, looking sexy as hell.

  “Put these on,” he hands me a pair of goggles and I give him a look. These are not the sleek looking glasses his are, but flat out dorky goggles. No one looks good in these things! They should be banned from existence. It’s the first time we’re using them, and I’m going be the first in the class to look like a total loser. He shoves them my way again. I take a deep breath as I pull the strap over my head.

  “Ouch,” Kyle snickers, and the rest of the class lets out a small laugh, but I’m too busy watching Mr. Harrington gape at me to care. Can you guys all stop laughing and let me bask in my moment? His mouth opens a little, and when he doesn’t say anything I break the silence.

  “So what’s next,” I whisper. We’re standing close, closer than we’ve ever been. I can smell his familiar spicy cologne mixed with his minty breath.

  I’m unbelievable turned on right now, and I have to open my mouth just to let out the extra air. For some reason I can’t remember how to breath normally.

  He finally gives me instructions - pour this, pour that, and I move around him with an unnatural grace that I had no idea I was capable of. He asks the class questions about the reactions of things, but all I can think about is the reaction I’m having to him, forget about the chemicals!

  He helps me pour the last liquid and I can’t help my blush when our hands meet. I wonder if he feels the buzz between us too. My body tenses from his touch as energy runs to my core. It’s the most carnal reaction I’ve ever experienced (don’t judge, I have little to work with).

  My finger accidentally gives his an extra brush, all on its own, and I let out a small sigh, which I’m immediately embarrassed by.

  “I think we’re done,” his voice is angry and stern.

  God, I’m so stupid.

  Chloe and I are lab partners, and I’d like to say it’s by chance, but he paired up the strangest of pairs, yet I got my friend. In fact, some people in the class point out how unfair it is, but Mr. Harrington just shrugs and says it was an accident.

  We finish our experiment first, thanks to me already doing it, and start talking quietly. We don’t get yelled at, unlike everyone else when their low chattering gets too loud.

  It’s these little things I always notice that make me think he regards me as special. Like, maybe this isn’t just my imagination after all.

  However, there are still times I think it is. It’s just so confusing - whether or not it’s simply my wishful thinking, or just the most wonderful sign ever?

  Regardless, it’s funny how I watch the clock in every single class but chemistry. Whenever the bell rings it catches me by surprise, because I never want to leave.

  “I think Mr. H liked you in the goggles,” Chloe laughs jokingly as we head upstairs.

  “Ew,” I roll my eyes before looking away and smiling.

  I started staying after school for math to get extra help.

  I leave today’s session early and head to my locker to wait for Chloe, who’s also staying after, but for Spanish.

  “Luci,” a male voice booms. I know it’s not Mr. Harrington, as I’d recognize his sound anywhere, but I still hold a sliver of hope before turning around, remembering when called my name in class today.

  I can’t help my disappointment when I spot Nick.

  “Hey Nick,” I wave as he jogs over. “What are you staying after for?”

  “Detention,” he shrugs and I laugh. I should have known. “You?”

  “Math,” I enter the combo and pry the door open.

  “You’re too smart for that,” he rests his hand on the locker next to mine.

  “How do you think I stay so smart?” I counter jokingly.

  “Right,” he laughs, and we booth look up upon hearing the scuff of shoes against the floor, watching as a swarm of guys in matching outfits run quickly down the hall.

  “Keep it up, guys!” It’s like music to my ears. The smell of sweat rushes past me as one pair of sneakers starts to slow. His pants swoosh with each motion, his hard chest and arms barely confined in his tight MTHS t-shirt. My mouth drops as I watch him approach, completely forgetting about Nick being here.

  “Everything okay here?” He pauses next to me and my gaze is stuck on him, studying, as he runs his fingers through his messy dark hair. I’m enchanted,
the way he eludes such power and confidence. “Luci?” He chuckles when I don’t answer.

  “Um, yeah…fine,” I swallow hard.

  “You sure?” He confirms, staring back and forth between Nick and I. I nod slowly, bewitched.

  “Okay,” his voice is just above a whisper as he turns around, my eyes still glued to him as he walks away.

  “Fucking teachers,” Nick laughs nervously, interrupting my daze. I barely register my own laugh as I watch as Mr. Harrington stops at the far end of the hall before turning back around to face me. “Hey, so, about that movie…”

  Nick’s voice isn’t right. It’s not his.

  “What?” I smile, either to Nick or Mr. Harrington, I don’t know.

  “Um, well, you said some other time, so I was thinking maybe this could be some other time.” I briefly turn my full attention back to Nick. He’s staring at the floor, brushing his feet against the dust. I don’t keep on him for long, as my eyes find his again. He’s laughing quietly, his shoulders moving slowly, his eyes bright and amused.

  “Luci?” My eyes dart back to Nick.

  “Yeah?”

  “Were you even listening to me?”

  “Sorry, I’m just really… distracted,” I look back at him again, hovering in the distance, lingering.

  He winks.

  “I better get going,” I say to Nick absentmindedly. “See you tomorrow.” I slam the locker door, but when I look up again, my teacher’s gone.

  “Luci!” Nick calls after me and I turn around, walking backwards as I shout back to him.

  “I’m sorry. Some other time,” I hurry off down the hall in the direction he was standing, but run into Chloe instead.

  “Where are you off to in such a hurry?” She’s anxious to get home, to get out of school, but I want to stay. To find him and ask what that was all about.

  “Never mind,” I shake my head, sighing loudly. She grabs my arm as we head to the exit.

  AFTER SCHOOL

  The next morning I get up unusually early. While I put on my typical pair of jeans, my shirt is a little tighter than I would normally wear. I’m a little embarrassed by it, but I don’t change and grab a sweater instead.